The things you never thought you’d say

Sometimes as a Mom you get a glimpse of yourself from the outside, and it totally cracks you up. Here’s some things I’ve said that are either funny because they are taken out of context, or funny because this is just my life now.

To Jeremy:

  • I’m so tired.  We just have to watch some TV.
  • (Because of dairy restrictions) I love you, babe, but you have Doritos and Cheetos in there that I am super jealous of and if you eat one more of my barbecue chips I’m gonna smack you.  

To Malachi:

  • It’s not a TV, honey, it’s a chalkboard.  And I can’t turn it on for you.
  • Honey, it’s bread. I can’t put it back together. Just eat it.
  • Malachi, if you want to wear earrings you have to say please.  You can’t just go in there and grab them.
  • If you’re just gonna sit on the grass and say “fub” I’m going back inside.
  • Malachi, don’t lick the wall, that’s gross. 
  • It’s not gonna stand up, honey, it’s an apple.
  • It’s not any more expensive to buy glass cleaner than to buy white vinegar. I mean, my kids lick the windows occasionally but not that often.
  • It’s really just a noodle, Malachi, you don’t need to put it back together.
  • Drink your coffee.*
  • Put your pee-pee in the hole.

*1 part decaf, 50 parts milk, lest you have a panic attack.

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