Step in to the Confessional

I’m pretty sure if I got Jeremy’s input he could suggest considerably more items to add to this list but in the meantime, enjoy.

  1. Last night I ate salmon cakes and slaw for dinner. Jeremy and I went on a date later and ended up at Waffle House.  I then ate a waffle, an order of hash browns, and two slices of bacon. No, I’m not pregnant.
  2. Sometimes when the kids are eating lunch and strapped into their chairs I go pee just so I can get a (literal) minute alone.
  3. Usually I take my iPod because 30 seconds of sitting alone necessitates some kind of social media.
  4. I’m not embarrassed that I just admitted any of that to you. #noshame
  5. Malachi has been on stellar behavior today and by “stellar” I mean “absolutely horrible.”  In the past four hours I’ve sent these texts to Jeremy.****
    • I might lock our son in the dog crate.
    • Maybe I’ll just leave him at pre-school.
    • I swear I am going to drop him off at the pound.

    .        ****OF COURSE I was kidding! Unbunch those britches. 

  6. As I was typing that Malachi climbed on top of me to cuddle and now I feel guilty.
  7. I throw away old leftovers when Jeremy isn’t home (because) and then I cover them up with something big in the trash can so he won’t see it there later and ask me about it.
  8. Malachi has grape juice all up in his hair and Naomi’s hair is spiked up on the side with banana mush and I’m still 99% sure they won’t be getting a bath until tomorrow, so I just wiped their heads off with a washcloth and called it good enough (it wasn’t).
  9. Yesterday I was so tired that I decided to sit down and read my magazine “just for 20 minutes” but then I was too tired to get up but had too much to do to take a nap without feeling guilty so I just kept laying there….for an hour and a half.
  10. Yesterday I played fetch with Naomi just so she’d stop throwing things in my lap for a couple minutes.
  11. I usually mop my floors on Wednesday so they will be clean for small group but it’s been snowing every Tuesday here (seriously) for a couple months and I don’t mop when it’s wet outside because it’s pointless so it’s been a really, really long time since I mopped.
  12. I still let the kids eat off the floor.
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Dry Cereal and Alcohol and Quality Television and Run-On Sentences and Run-On Blog Titles

You know you’ve had a long day when you are eating dry Cheerios and drinking champagne before the kids are even in bed. Malachi also has a habit of taking a sip of any drink he sees sitting around, no matter whose it is or how old it is or how long its been sitting in the hot car or whether or not it’s fermented.

“Nummy Mommy soda!”
“All done, Malachi! No more Mommy soda! That’s yucky!”
“No, nummy Mommy soda! More Mommy soda!”
“How about a lollipop?”
“Yay, yahyeepop yay! Hahahahaha ta-da!”

The younger me that swore she’d never bribe her children or sit on the couch and watch TV while they clambered over her feet begging for attention “just” because she was tired (so selfish) would maybe be horrified but hopefully she’d just be amused and assume it was a rare occurrence. Which really, it is, kind of, mostly.

My two-year-old’s new favorite game is called “Smack the baby on the head over and over until Mommy reaches me and throws me in timeout” followed closely by “Push her over onto the floor and laugh.” And said baby is cutting four teeth.

So.

Here’s your violin, please play me a song, because no other mother has ever had it as rough as me.

But it is the Christmas season and my house is all decorated, and every time I pulled a new decoration out of the box Malachi would gasp and whisper “Wow!” in the most perfect wonder-filled kid-voice ever. He likes to spit on my Christmas carousel because it’s the only way he knows how to blow and he wants to get it to spin “me-self!” with out any help from me. And every time he passes one (and I have a LOT), he announces “Nutcwackah!” Naomi is teething and stuffy which = finally letting me rock her to sleep again and actually cuddling with me for more than .5 seconds at a time and I love it soooooo much.

And even though I’m sitting here eating dry Chex (YOLO!) and watching Dirty Dancing for the thirty-somethingth time (I really wish that was an exaggeration) and then subsequently being appalled at the trashy commercials on VH1 (shocker) because apparently I have higher expectations of a channel that would air Dirty Dancing on a regular basis and I don’t know how I was planning on finishing that sentence, but it’s gone on long enough, don’t you think? Anyways, life is good. Good enough that I’ve been living it the past couple weeks instead of blogging about it

But Imma blog it up now. Buckle your seat belts for an overload of drama because if anyone can create enough drama to dedicate an entire online diary to, it’s a stay-at-home-mom. And no, I won’t stop blogging about my kids ever ever because, you know…

Nobody puts baby in a corner.

7 Quick Takes Numero Seis

  1. Let’s start off with a confession slash funny story and let me preface it by saying: No one got hurt. Naomi has been napping in our bed since she was born because having two kids under three share a room was probably not the best decision I’ve ever made. Anyway, this past Sunday she was napping on a guest bed right next to where I was sitting so I knew I would hear her when she woke up.  I finally heard the mild “I’m frustrated” fuss and went to get her. But she wasn’t there. I couldn’t find her. I could hear a muffled fuss (not really a cry) and walked around the room til I saw one foot sticking out from under the dust ruffle. She somehow managed to fall off and roll under the bed and I don’t know how she did either because the pillow barrier was untouched and the bed isn’t that high off the ground. So yeah. Bed sleeping days are over. Except for today because Malachi was making noise when she was dosing off and so….
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    We are living on the edge.  The very well-protected edge.
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  2. I’m currently the classiest of the classy and watching Wife Swap. Judge me not. This one has a legit Rastafari family (look that up if you want your head to spin). The other is the most controlling family I’ve ever seen. The Rasta family keeps saying things like “The $8,000 you are going to spend on a home theater could buy 800,000 mosquito nets for kids in Africa,” and “Jah will provide,” and they are pro-homeschooling. And they are also crazy, don’t get me wrong, BUT. Never did I ever think I’d see the day when I was more in line with the Rastas than the type-A chore charters. Just call me Rastafallie (get it?). But there will be a chore chart in my home one day. Rest assured.
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  3. Naomi is currently sleeping in the bathroom. Or not sleeping, I should say. She went from being the most! amazing! sleeper! ever! to waking up 1 to 3 times a night. Today the doctor encouraged me to “ignore her” and let her learn to sleep on her own. We’ll see how long I can handle that, but she needs to be not in Malachi’s room and not in our room lest she see me and start doing horizontal jumping jacks and so….bathroom it is.
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  4. Speaking of the doctor, we saw a different doctor today and I’m not a huge fan. I wish I knew why – maybe because she is just loud enough to make Malachi nervous (not difficult) or maybe it’s because no one will ever be as awesome as our normal doctor or maybe it’s her purple lipstick. I’m leaning towards the lipstick.
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  5. I’m sorry to report that my garden does not look good.  Not sure if my tomatoes are gonna make it or not and half of me wants to pick them while they are green and let them ripen indoors and half of me wants to give it another chance because maybe tomatoes come back to life after 70% of the branches and leaves are dead? Maybe? No? Here’s a picture of this week’s harvest:
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    What do you think I should do with the five green beans? Are there any recipes out there that call of 1.3 ounces of pole beans?
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  6. Last week I asked you to like Anderson’s Facebook page for me so I could be the thousandth like. I’ve had their page open on my computer for a week, and I refresh it religiously to see if it’s close yet. Yesterday they were only 6 away and I was being very serious about my monitoring (what I will do for 10 bucks…sad). Then they sent out a text blast reminding people about it while I was putting Malachi down for a nap. And being the boring, responsible, stupid, boring, responsible mother that I am… I finished nap time and by the time I got out to my computer…. 1,004 likes. I was so disappointed I shut my computer lid and come to think of it, I don’t think I ever did actually “like” them. Petty much?
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  7. On a more serious note, I’ve had two things on my mind a lot lately. One that I was grappling with last night is the “trend” or whatever of growing, faithful, ministering Christians cussing like it’s totally normal. The other thing I was thinking about a lot is the vaccine issue. Being a mom and learning about vaccines is hard because there is SO much information and SO many conflicting “facts” and SO many accusations of who is a trustworthy source and who is not… Anyways, yesterday I came across this article about Christians swearing, and today I came across this article about vaccines. And while I am still thinking a lot about both issues, it was like God just said, “I hear you, and here’s what I want you to see today.” He is good like that, isn’t He?

Go see Jen, the hostess with the mostess, for more takes!

Confessions

Apparently I have enough confession-worthy indescrepencies built up to warrant an entire post, so… help yourself.

  1. Tonight we were going to have Orange Chicken a la Pinterest because I remembered that I had a jar of Orange Marmalade sitting around in the fridge from I don’t even remember what, so.  I pulled it out and it was a little bit expired.
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    Juuuuust a little.  
    The confession part is that I was going to use it anyway.  The FDA recommendations and I don’t really care much for each other.  But then when I opened it I couldn’t remember if that’s how orange marmalade really looks or if the fuzziness was possibly something else, so… I threw it away.  Round of applause, please.
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  2. Jeremy downloaded the first 2 seasons of Downton Abbey for me so I’d have something to watch during the day in “all my free time.”  “Hardy har har!” I said.  Even though I requested it, I figured “free time” was no longer a part of my vocabulary. Maybe if I say it real slow….fffffrrrrrrrrr.  Eeeeee.  T- t- t- nope.  Can’t even say it.But, I started watching Downton day before yesterday.  How many episodes have I gotten through, you ask?  Well…..
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    Ten.  10 ninety-minute episodes (sans commercials!  It makes a difference!)  Don’t judge!  While watching I was folding laundry and couponing and nursing and….ok never mind, judge.  That’s the whole point of this post.
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  3. This was going to be a serious post.  I even had the first paragraph written out, but then WordPress crashed and by the time I got Naomi asleep and the Orange Chicken converted to Aplethoraofcondiments Chicken and WordPress back up and running I decided to do a less serious post because it’s faster and I didn’t have time to write a long post AND finish the episode of Downton I had been nursing all day and I have priorities, people.
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  4. I really like run-on sentences.
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  5. I forgot to bathe Naomi for…more than a few days.  I literally just forgot.  She doesn’t spit up that much anymore so there was nothing to remind me, “Hm. I should probably bathe her.” So I gave her a bath and a couple days went by and Imma get back on track, I promise,  but I allowed last night’s dip in the pool to count for her bath (even though she never submerged deeper than her chest).  Mom of the year!  Right here!
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  6. And finally, take a guess at how many cookies Malachi has eaten in the last two days.  If you guessed 6 or 7 – dingdingdingdingding!  You win!  Complete with two that were drenched in blue food coloring because this whole “I want my family to be organic” thing pretty much gets chucked out the window if it means getting through the grocery store without a meltdown.  Priorities, people.  Represent.