If you’re sniffing a theme, this is a drop in the overflowing bucket (or toilet) of Malachi jokes.
While going potty before bed:
**dramatic sigh** Mama, is this pee-pee EVER going to come?
Right before the nursery-free Christmas Eve service that Jeremy and I in a fit of over-sugared Christmas spirit genuinely thought our kids could endure peacefully:
Malachi: **dancing on the chair** Pee pee pee pee pee pee pee!
Me: Malachi, no. We don’t do that unless we are at home. Some people don’t like to hear that, okay?
Malachi: O-KAY! Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo!
Me: Malachi! No. I’m serious and you know better. Stop.
Malachi: **dramatic pause, followed by a dead-serious stare-down with me, and then broken by GAS gas gas gas gas gas gas!
After finishing his bidness, in a super high-pitched voice:
Mama! Wook at those widdle baby poo-poos! Aw, they so cute. I wanna give them hugs.
Passing our neighbors’ lighted Santa sleigh and red-nosed leader:
Wook, Mama! It’s Santa and Sven!
At a random breakfast:
I was about to start off with “Last week I wrote about…” and then a little sleuthing reminded me that it’s been three weeks since I wrote anything. So. If you were ever looking to read a post about good time management you have COME to the right place, people.
Ahem. Three weeks ago I wrote about making time to rest when you’re tired, even if that means getting less sleep. For me, I need to get up early and spend time praying and reading my Bible every morning or I’m a wreck all day. Today I got up early to spend time with the Lord, and let me tell you: I am tired. The past two months have seen three family members in the hospital, two out-of-town trips, multiple meetings, and oh yeah – my normal life. Today my children were in RARE form. And I say “rare” quite loosely because truthfully, I wish it were rarer. Anyway my daughter starting things off with a bang by grabbing her nasty poopy diaper out from under her butt while I reached for a wipe and whipping it across the room and herself and her adorable outfit I just found hiding in a drawer and the carpet and my hand. (Do you want to know how nasty that diaper was? She had black beans last night.) My son – not to be outdone – screamed and threw things and yelled and hoarded toys and went batpoo crazy the whole time I was tutoring in my home. Things pretty much went downhill from there and at one point I texted Jeremy and told him I wanted to scream. And then I realized – I hadn’t screamed. Or yelled at my kids or anyone else, which to be honest, is a BIG deal for me. And even though I was going crazy inside, I realized that God had helped me treat my kids with true grace all day, and let me tell you – that does NOT happen on the days I sleep through my time with Him.
But I HATE getting up early. I am a natural night owl. Even on the days I wake up really early I can still stay up til 1 or 2 in the morning without realizing I’m tired but then when that alarm starts going off at 6:00 – I realize it real good. So I have to find ways to make my mornings easier, and maybe some of these will help you, too.
So without further ado….
Can you tell I’m an expert at making pinnable pictures with catchy titles? This is totally my forte.
- Give it a fair shot. Don’t tell me you just can’t do mornings until you’ve actually, honestly tried. If you want to wake up early you have to go to bed a little earlier, or if nothing else, at a consistent time. You need to actually get up early consistently for at least a week to really give it a fair shot. So don’t try for a few days and give up, or try for a couple weeks without ever being consistent. It won’t work – trust me.
- Set your coffee the night before. Most of your basic coffee makers have a timer setting. You can get everything ready and have your coffee brew for you at whatever time so you can literally wake up and smell the coffee. I even drink decaf and it still helps. For a while I went through a phase where I put my half and half and sugar in my mug and then stuck it in the fridge the night before, too. I got over that. Don’t drink coffee? Freeze half a bottle of water, fill it and add lemon, then let it thaw overnight so you can drink something cold and refreshing when you first wake up. Drink fancy coffee like a pour over or a French press? Well….clapclapclap. Not sure how to help you. Sorry.
- Adjust your thermostat. I like to sleep with the air pretty cold because I sweat like pig at night (did you need to know that? Sure.) but it’s really, really, really hard to get out of a warm cozy bed and step into some frigid air. So if your air has the fancy sleep setting thing that will go up and down for you – rock it. If not, do what I do and drag yourself out of bed, cut the thermostat back up a few degrees, then go get back in bed for the mandatory 15-20 minutes of snooze-button-beating. When it’s time to get up, it won’t be so hard.
- Pick out your clothes the night before. Maybe this takes you back to elementary school but so be it. Let’s have a show of hands from all the ladies who spend way too long staring at their clothes before deciding on one of the same 10 outfits you rotate allthefreakingtime. Check the weather and lay out your clothes the night before – jewelry, shoes, underwear, all of it.
- Consider showering at night. I know I know I know – your hair looks gross when you do that and showers help you wake up. Me too. BUT it really super sucks to have to choose between doing my devotions or getting to shower alone and do something really self-pampering like….I don’t know….shave the forest of my legs so I can wear shorts again. Plus I find a night shower helps me relax. At least give it a go. Maybe you just can’t hack it and if so I understand, but be prepared to wake up a little earlier.
. Cool lamp, right? Buy it here.
- Turn on a light. Immediately, as soon as your first alarm goes off. Even if you don’t get up right away, the light will help you wake up a little. Sunlight is the best, but if you can’t drag yourself to the window – turn on your lamp.
- Bonus: play on your phone: This is a slippery slope for me so take it with a grain of salt. You know how they say staring at a screen before bed will wire your brain and keep you awake longer? I find the opposite is true. When I’m just having a really hard time waking up after my obligatory first two alarms (I’m not the only one who does this, right?) sometimes I’ll start browsing instagram or playing Words with Friends. It seems to help me wake up. The only problem is how addictive it is – sometimes before I know it I’ve been on my phone for 15 minutes and then I’m rushing to get my coffee, get dressed, and do my devotions before Malachi comes traipsing into the room at 6:50 (on the flipping dot, every day, WHY?!) telling me “I got pee-pee my diaper” and “It’s almost breakfast time!” So maybe set a timer or something so you don’t get sucked into the iPhone void? I don’t know.
And there you have it. Some things that I hope will help make your early mornings a little easier. When I consistently do all of the above every day (which is quite rare, trust me) I get going into a really good routine. But even just doing a couple is enough to help.
Linking with Jen, because I’m sure she’s missed me, my sarcasm, and my riveting hair-care soliloquies.
- One of the benefits of being a stay-at-home-mom is that as soon as your husband comes home you get to regale him with a 45-minute stream of super-detailed stories about your exciting day. Stories about closet organization, nap-time productivity, exactly how many people were in each check-out line at Kroger, how many coupons you used/left at home/got rejected by the checker, and how much better your hair is doing now that you switched conditioner. The other day I was excitedly telling the tale of my hair’s vast improvement since I switched to TreSemme Climate Protection and I was pleasantly surprised when Jeremy responded with, “Oh yeah, I saw that conditioner in the shower” instead of his usual, “Yeah… Wait what? Sorry….”
Me: You were looking at my conditioner?
Jeremy: Yeah, I was wondering what this weird global warming soap is all about.
Me: Global warming soap? You mean because it’s called climate protection?
Jeremy: Yeah, I thought that was weird.
Me: It’s called that because it protects your hair from the climate, not because it protects the climate from…your hair.
Jeremy: Yeah, I figured that out after I looked at it.
That was so much funnier when it happened than it seems now…. Ok.
- Malachi is improving his pronoun usage slowly but surely, although he still refers to himself as “Mal-chi” most of the time instead of the generic “I.” Mal-chi do it! Mal-chi want orange juice! Mal-chi go paaaaaark! He’s still a little unclear on the whole personal pronoun thing and frequently says “My” instead of “I.” My do it! My eat snack! MY feed doggie! Which always reminds me of this:
…so me-sa maybe start calling him Jar Jar. How wude!
- I’ve always had really vivid, realistic dreams, especially when I am pregnant. But over the past couple years I’ve started dreaming in movie. My dreams actually switch from one scene to the next, switch perspective, and have background music. Once I dreamed I was Amy in an episode of Big Bang Theory. Not only was the entire dream pretty funny but it also had laugh tracks in the background. I’m a little concerned for my sanity at this point.
- Jeremy and I finally watched Frozen last night and of course I loved it, just like the rest of the world. (Unrelated spoiler alert: Why didn’t the troll just tell them the secret in the first place? Would that not have saved 15 or so years of familial heartbreak and malfunction and potential future therapy costs? Anyway.)
Have you seen the guy that sang a cover of “Let it Go” in all these different Disney voices?
The part with Scuttle absolutely cracked me up because I used to do that. Malachi was pretty freaked out by the whole thing until we got to Winnie the Pooh. Then he looked at the little picture and said, “Hi Innie Poo! Is so cute!”
- Have you heard of Listia? It’s like E-bay, but free. It’s mostly a colossal waste of time, but I am 600 Pampers Rewards Points away from getting Malachi a free Cozy Coupe and I can usually muster up enough Listia credits to win some Pampers points auctions and you don’t care. Anyway, I listed an auction mostly for the bonus points but the woman who won had a problem and so an e-mail conversation ensued. Basically I would write her a thorough, polite, grammatically correct e-mail offering several solutions plus an apology and she would respond with something along the lines of:
“yeah it didnt work”
I mean, seriously. Can you not throw in a “Thank you” or at least some gratuitous punctuation? Does this kind of thing bother anyone else? Answer: yes. (Language alert, FYI).
Also, if you want to join Listia, please use my link – I will be forever grateful. https://www.listia.com/signup/5477022
- It snowed again last week and Malachi’s make-up day was cancelled, so now we are having a make-up make-up day and of course they are calling for snow next Tuesday as well. I was “re-re-re-re ‘cited” about his first-ever school pictures but they aren’t offering a snow date for that so I’m just gonna save myself from the agony of dashed hopes and just operate on the assumption that those will get canceled as well. But maybe I’ll try and do some cute portraits on my own because, you know, my track record is THE BOMB.
- The other day I went into the farmer’s market by myself and got a little confused and overexcited by the free samples at the cheese shop. I ended up spending 20 dollars on cheese because it was so tasty when taken out of context and seasoned with “I’m here alone and I need to reign myself in!” Then when my sister and I pulled it out to eat together it honestly smelled like a hot, sizzling cow patty and tasted about the same. I decided to return it because, seriously. When I took it back the manager said, “This is how this cheese smells and tastes. Did you not see on the wrapper? It’s called ‘Barnyard Smell.’ I’ll refund it but if you don’t like it, don’t ever buy it.” So I guess she was right and I am grateful she refunded my money even though she treated me like a 2-year-old the whole time and wouldn’t let me finish a sentence. But for real? They made it smell like cow poop on purpose? WHY?!
Last Saturday we started getting sick, cancelled on our friends so we didn’t share the love, and decided to take the kids for a walk instead because it was beautiful. And my wonderful hooz-bond spontaneously suggested we go out to eat to which I said a resounding “yahoooo!” because going out to eat is my true love language and apparently I don’t care about protecting strangers from the germs of my raspberry-blowing, table-licking cherubs, just our friends. It was a great day.
And next came church and fun at the grandparents’ and then a Seahawks win so Sunday was pretty bangin’ as well. Until it banged us into the floor. I went to bed with a slight sore throat that I attributed to tiredness and woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a mucous-truck which then backed back over me and dumped a load of fever on me before running over me again and I promise I’ll just leave that metaphor right there and not return to it. Sorry.
I used to say that when I was sick and congested it felt like someone sprayed up my nose with spray insulation and it expanded until I just couldn’t take it anymore. This round of winter nasty I seem to have mostly skipped the congestion thing (hooray!) but instead me and the kids are all just oozing, swampy fountains of SNOT. So. much. snot. Snot in the baby food. Snot on my sleeve (not mine). Snot on the pillows. Snot in the pacifier.
Today was the first time the kids and I left the house in six days (unless you count the oh-so-fun 1.5 hour jaunt [with both kids cuz we stupid] to our rental house to mop out the dog-stench with cold water and no electricity) and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Malachi so excited to go to the “bibwary” and then to the pound to see the kitties, but not the doggies because “I don’t wike it too woud!” And after some seriously good naps and some seriously good straightening of the cesspool, Naomi was happy from wake-up to bed-time and that hasn’t happened since…..her birth, maybe? We even watched a movie I like and I finished crocheting a hat that might help me bring in some bacon bits so it was actually a good day. I can’t stop hacking my lungs up and Naomi is still covered in a film of green but otherwise things are looking up. Malachi *might* (knockonwoodsayaprayercursethesnow) even get to go back to pre-school this week for the third time out of 9-freaking-days he could have gone (not bitter! maybealittle) so hip hip hooray!
Please come back. I promise never to be that disgusting again.
Also, do you enjoy following annoying moms who only post pictures of their kids on instagram with only the rare artistic failure thrown in? Hit me up.
Just typed out two whole paragraphs, went back and fell asleep trying to re-read them, and then deleted them. You’re welcome.
Yesterday was awesome. Aside from the fact that Naomi quite literally pooped 8 times, all on my shift, and that during one of these times when I was about to change her I heard a bloodcurdling scream from the bathroom that turned out to be the reaction of my poor son who had just sprayed Daddy’s cologne into his eye. Yes I rinsed it, yes I panicked, yes I called the doctor to make sure I didn’t need to take him to the ER, check check check. He was fine five minutes later and I still feel like crap for leaving him unattended with his footstool but “lesson learned” and all that yada and also his hair smelled fantastic all day so there’s that.
Anywho, both kids slept straight through the night the night before and they both took spectacular naps – Malachi had zero night terrors and woke up happy for the first time in a week and Naomi actually took two full-length naps in one day so I guess she finally got around to reading Babywise and praise be. But it wasn’t the great sleeping or amount of alone-time that made me happy. Having the kids sleep in gave me time to start my day with the Lord, which makes absolutely the BIGGEST difference in my day of anything. The great naps gave me time to focus on my to-do list – and actually finish it. Guys, I crossed off every item! That alone makes me giddy not to mention the fact that stuff actually got done. And the finishing the to-do list made my stress level go down to the point of nonexistence. When Malachi got up we baked cookies and he dumped the flour and sugar into the bowl and kept saying “yum, chocolate!” when he licked the beaters before the chocolate was even in it. And Naomi and I played peek-a-book and patty-cake and fake-laugh. Dinner got started, finished, and eaten on time. Jeremy came home from work and I wasn’t frantically pretending I didn’t desperately need to just hand him a kid and go pee alone for the first time all day. I randomly organized something which always makes me happy. It was just a good day.
At the end of the day I realized that this was the kind of day I envisioned when I thought about being a stay-at-home-mom. Not that I expected perfection or perfect sleepers or whatever, but just the ability to approach my day and its tasks and joys and scares and opportunities with peace. And even when Naomi woke up crying with inexplicable gas at 10 and I had to hold her writhing self for 45 minutes, it was ok. I was ok.
Also, this happened:
I’m not sure what it would look like for me to be able to have this kind of day every day. Not the sleeping and cookie-baking per se, although that would sure be nice. But just the lack of stress. Feeling productive. Having the home be peaceful when Jeremy gets home. I’m trying to identify a few of the things that made this happen:
- I stayed on top of my chores. For a while I’ve tried to do a chore a day and I schedule it out, but for some reason I just never keep up with it. This week I kept up with it. Not only was it surprisingly easy to do, but it made me feel so much better about myself and my home when I did.
- I did my devotions first thing. Always a goal, not always accomplished. But so long as I don’t have a child asleep in my bed and I’m not sick I don’t really have an excuse.
- I didn’t allow myself to sit down at the computer until my list was done. Um, yeah. It’s kind of embarrassing how big of a difference this made. Not that I waste hours and hours online every day, but sitting down “just for a minute” interrupts my focus and my momentum and I practically have to start over whenever I get up.
- The kids slept really, really well. Here’s hoping.
- The kids behaved really, really well. Here’s praying.
Today Jeremy is home because it’s Saturday and of course Malachi is ecstatic about that. We’ve run errands and wrestled and cuddled and it’s been fantastic and I’m just really, really hoping this continues but even if tomorrow brings screaming, sleepless nights and endless time-outs and more scum than I can scrub, at least it’s been nice to have a little bit of a break.
From the time I set my breakfast down on the table this morning to the time I actually finished it, this is what happened: Set breakfast on table, start feeding Naomi who is swallowing it faster than I can refill the spoon, argue with Malachi about eating more than 4 Cheerios for breakfast, feed Naomi some more, give Naomi some finger foods to try to buy a minute to wolf down some toast, take Malachi to the potty to pee, come back to the table and resituate Malachi, give Naomi another bite, take my first bite of now cold toast, get up and get Malachi’s fork off the floor, finish feeding Naomi, start feeding Malachi making “choo-choo” noises because it’s the only way he will eat, randomly stuff a bite in between Malachi’s bites, get up and lunge for Malachi’s dropped vitamin before the dog eats it (I think she might have licked it a little but Malachi will never know), finish eating, get Naomi cleaned up and down from her chair, get Malachi cleaned up and down from his chair, take first sip of coffee, take vitamins.
All the while I was praying that the UPS man wouldn’t come first thing in the morning because I was not at all decent.
Lunch was slightly more organized – by the time I finished my leftovers they were no cooler than lukewarm so that’s something. Malachi let me know it was naptime by beginning to randomly kick and hit his sister. When I yelled at him for smacking her I looked over and realized she was cracking up and thought the whole thing was hilarious. I put Malachi down at 1:30 and then let Naomi crawl around in peace for a minute or 30. Then I looked up to see her crawl into her carseat from behind, wrangle her way all the way in, nearly slam her head on the ground rocking it, fart really loud, then somehow climb out without injuring herself.
I put Naomi down for her nap at 2:00 and sat down to read some e-mail when I heard Malachi’s door open and shut super fast. I marched in to discover him wide awake and beaming with the light on. When I sternly told him to go back to bed he responded with the requisite “See Daddy home!” which means “I want Daddy to come home so I can see him (because you are a horrible mother)!” – parenthesis mine.
Just another day in the Dillinger funhouse.
What. Is. Up. (Answer: Naomi at 6soontobe5:30 in the morning if I can’t get this daylight savings thing under control) Joining Jen and everbuddy else.
- Last weekend we drove to NC to visit my family and head to the state fair. I think I was the most excited both pre- and post-fair activities and if you know my husband you know that Jeremy excited looks about like this. I love the fair. And I especially love the fair in October because you can enjoy rides and hushpuppies and animals and games and people-watching with zero chance of melting. Riding rides with Malachi is THE best and watching my dad try to cram into a ride designed for 3-feet-tallers and not 6-feet-tallers might have been the second best. I also decided to play awkward third wheel to my brother and his girlfriend and ride a couple rides with them and if there is one thing I took away from that experience it is this: I am old. Maybe 26 doesn’t seem that old to you but if you measure age in life experiences rather than years a la Bella and Jacob (team Edward forever!) I’d say having two babies and averaging 5 hours of broken up sleep per night makes me approximately: too old for this crap.
Oh, you’re bored? K, here’s some cute:
- Need more cute? Gotcha covered. Yesterday was Halloween and I was soooooo excited about Malachi’s costume. He is an avid Curious George fan and even though I don’t care much for him or his monochromatic friend, this was pretty much the cutest costume ever:
This was my inspiration and judging by the two random people who took pictures of Malachi and the multiple people who said he had their favorite costume of the night and the kids who excitedly said “It’s Yellow Man!” I’d say it was a success. We are pretty hard core because we hit up the Costume Parade at the library, a local trunk or treat, the mall trick-or-treat, and the ginormous festival at Thomas Road. Jeremy and I were pretty disappointed in the candy selection (i.e. 1 million tootsie rolls) but otherwise it was great. Naomi was a roley-poly, fluffy pink cat:
And about 20 minutes before we had to leave I decided I really, really wanted to dress up. I considered gypsy, hippie, and Rosie the Riveter before a stroke of GENIUS hit me and Jeremy and I went as Sheldon and Amy. Yes we did. And even though the chick at the mall totally cut off our perfect shoe choices (chucks and hideous Mary Janes that yes, I do still wear [hides head in shame]), you get the idea:
- The other day I was at Goodwill and there was a group of crazysuperannoying college girls buying ugly rooster pillows for their apartment and they all had on yoga pants, oversized sweatshirts, and sneakers. It seemed only slightly strange until I saw another group of girls who all had on leggings, blue plaid shirts, boots, and cardigans. Like, is this a thing?
- More mom talk! Hooray! I’m just going to give a quick shout-out to Malachi for doing a really super great job at potty training. He finally bit the bullet and actually peed at pre-school the other day instead of holding it for four hours straight and that was a big milestone. So far he has done his bidness in a mini-potty, on the big potty, in a porta-potty, in public potties, outside on the grass, in a blue plastic cup (don’t ask) and only a few times in his clothes. Although I would seriously like to know why he wets himself less than he… well…. number twos himself. For real, what is up with that?
- Well you can tell it’s been too long since I’ve blogged because I just can’t stop talking about my kids or kid-related things. I’d just like to take a moment to shamelessly brag on myself for getting (and publicly thank my friend for telling me about) the deal of the CENTURY on toys. I got alllllll this…..
140 (one-hundred forty) dollars worth of toys for, drumroll please…. badabadabadabadabaaa…. 15 dollars! When I accidentally left this out and Malachi saw it he of course bee-lined it for the toys I got Naomi for Christmas so…. that should be fun. Anyway, high-quality, non-dollar store stocking stuffers here I come! Now if only I could get the rest of my Christmas shopping done.
- I’d also like to congratulate Naomi on making it an entire week without a bruise. Can babies bruise? Because judging by the roughly 930275894275832750832 she has bit it this week, you’d think she’d be pretty much black and blue. I’ve never seen a baby fall over or slam into stuff so much and it’s totally because she is just ON THE MOVE and will NOT be slowed down. She wants to walk and run and crawl and beat up her brother and darn it if she isn’t close. The nice thing is how quickly she gets over it. Malachi was mu-huch more sensitive than her.
- Let’s make number 7 inappropriate because… why not. I remember when I used to think I had a successful day as a mother when I did something aMAZing like walk from one end of the house to the other while still nursing Malachi or, I don’t know, fold all the laundry during nap. Yesterday I arrived. I peed in a public restroom while baby-wearing and wearing a high-waisted skirt AND tights and managed to re-dress myself without moving her and she didn’t cry and yes. This is motherhood.