Conversations with Malachi

If you’re sniffing a theme, this is a drop in the overflowing bucket (or toilet) of Malachi jokes.

While going potty before bed:
**dramatic sigh**  Mama, is this pee-pee EVER going to come?

Right before the nursery-free Christmas Eve service that Jeremy and I in a fit of over-sugared Christmas spirit genuinely thought our kids could endure peacefully:
Malachi:  **dancing on the chair**  Pee pee pee pee pee pee pee!
Me:  Malachi, no. We don’t do that unless we are at home.  Some people don’t like to hear that, okay?
Malachi:  O-KAY!  Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo!
Me:  Malachi!  No.  I’m serious and you know better.  Stop.
Malachi:  **dramatic pause, followed by a dead-serious stare-down with me, and then broken by  GAS gas gas gas gas gas gas!

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After finishing his bidness, in a super high-pitched voice:
Mama! Wook at those widdle baby poo-poos! Aw, they so cute. I wanna give them hugs.

Passing our neighbors’ lighted Santa sleigh and red-nosed leader:
Wook, Mama!  It’s Santa and Sven!

At a random breakfast:
A-B-C-poop-E-pee-pooooop-H-I-J-poop-L-M-N-O-gaaaaaas!

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Conversations on the Way Home from Home Depot

Malachi:  **sigh** I miss it store.
Allie:  You’ll be ok.  We just saw the store two minutes ago.
Malachi:  I sad.
Allie:  You’re sad?
Malachi: Yes. I sad. I miss it store.
Allie (who is driving):  Text Eri-
Siri:  Ok. To whom should I send the text?
Allie:  Erin, you idiot.
Malachi: Text Ice!
Siri: Which Erin?
Allie: Croteau.
Malachi: Daddy, I text.
Jeremy: You text, huh?  Should we get you a phone?
Malachi: Yes!
Siri: Sorry, I don’t understand Croteau. Which Erin?
Allie: CRO-TEAU!
Malachi: Mommy, where’s my phone?
Allie: You’re yellow phone’s at home, buddy.
Malachi: Sigh, I miss it.
Siri: Ok, here’s your text to Erin Crah-do. Ready to send it?

Allie: Quickly reads screen, realizes it says “You idiot.”  Laughing hysterically shows screen to Jeremy, “No!”
Malachi: Hahahahahaha!
Siri: Ok. Would you like to cancel, review, or change it?
Allie: Still laughing hysterically, “Change it!”
Malachi: Hahahaha! I funny! Mommy funny!
Siri: Ok, I’ll send it.
Allie:  Nooooo!!!!
Jeremy: I think maybe you should wait until we get home to finish that text.
Allie: quickly rattles off explanatory text to Erin.
Malachi: Mommy funny, Dada.
Jeremy: I wonder what that limo is doing there.
Allie: Probably parked there to eat before prom night.
Malachi: Mommy, my head ouchie.
Allie: I’m sorry, buddy. Did you bonk it?
Malachi: Yes.
Allie: I’m sorry buddy.  It’ll be ok.
Malachi: I put band-aid on it.
Allie: Ok, we’ll get one when we get home.
Jeremy: Do you rent limos by the hour or by the evening?
Allie: I don’t know, hon, I’ve never rented one.
Malachi: Ow.
Allie:
Malachi: 
Ow.
Allie:
Malachi: Ow. Ow. Ow.
Allie: You ok buddy?
Malachi: Oh! I put band-aid on it!
Jeremy: I wonder when the limo became a thing, anyway.  It’s just a really long car.  What’s the point of that?
Allie: I guess so a bunch of people can hang out.
Malachi: Mommy, that’s dark outside.
Allie: I know, buddy.  That’s because it’s night-night time.  It gets dark when it’s night-night time.
Malachi: I watch Caillou!
Allie: No buddy, Caillou’s all done.  When we get home it’s night-night time.
Malachi: sigh, I miss it.
Jeremy: If people want to hang out they should just get a minivan.
Allie: Oh my word. This whole conversation is going on my blog later so I don’t forget it.
Malachi: Oh!  There’s dark!
Allie:
Malachi: There’s dark!
Allie:
Malachi: There’s dark!
Allie: I heard you, buddy.  Can everybody just be quiet for two minutes?  I just need quiet for two minutes.
Jeremy:  turning into our cobblestone-street neighborhood  Malachi, say “Aaaahhhh!”
Allie:  Jeremy!  Why?
Jeremy:  At least it’s consistent.
Naomi:  Blah, blah, bluh, ma, da, blah

The things you never thought you’d say

Sometimes as a Mom you get a glimpse of yourself from the outside, and it totally cracks you up. Here’s some things I’ve said that are either funny because they are taken out of context, or funny because this is just my life now.

To Jeremy:

  • I’m so tired.  We just have to watch some TV.
  • (Because of dairy restrictions) I love you, babe, but you have Doritos and Cheetos in there that I am super jealous of and if you eat one more of my barbecue chips I’m gonna smack you.  

To Malachi:

  • It’s not a TV, honey, it’s a chalkboard.  And I can’t turn it on for you.
  • Honey, it’s bread. I can’t put it back together. Just eat it.
  • Malachi, if you want to wear earrings you have to say please.  You can’t just go in there and grab them.
  • If you’re just gonna sit on the grass and say “fub” I’m going back inside.
  • Malachi, don’t lick the wall, that’s gross. 
  • It’s not gonna stand up, honey, it’s an apple.
  • It’s not any more expensive to buy glass cleaner than to buy white vinegar. I mean, my kids lick the windows occasionally but not that often.
  • It’s really just a noodle, Malachi, you don’t need to put it back together.
  • Drink your coffee.*
  • Put your pee-pee in the hole.

*1 part decaf, 50 parts milk, lest you have a panic attack.

A Conversation with My Children about Going Outside

Key:     Ja-Ja = outside    Haish-ee = shoe     Na-Ni = Naomi     Da-Dee = doggie

Allie:  Malachi, do you want to go outside?

Malachi:  Ja-Ja!

Allie:  Hang on, we gotta get some shoes on first.

Malachi:  Haish-ee!

Allie:  Come on, let’s get your shoes.

Malachi:  Ja-Ja!

Allie:  We’ll go outside after we get your shoes.  Oh, and Na-Ni needs a new diaper, too.

Malachi:  Na-Ni.

Allie:  Ok, come here.  Let’s get your shoes on.

Malachi:

Allie:  Put your foot in.

Malachi:  Haish-ee!  HAISH-ee!  Haaaaiiiiisssshhhh-eeeee!!!

Allie:  Buddy, let’s get your first shoe on and then we’ll get that one!  I won’t let you go out with just one shoe, don’t worry.

Malachi:  Haish-ee.

Allie:  Ok, let me change Na-Ni’s diaper.

Malachi:  Haish-ee!

Allie:  No, buddy, you already have sandals on.  You don’t need to wear your sneakers, too.

Malachi:  Haish-ee!

Allie:  Naomi, stop rolling over so I can change your diaper, baby girl.

Malachi:  Haish-ee.

Allie:  Naomi honey, hang on a second, baby.

Naomi:

Allie:  Naomi.  Just a second, baby girl, then you can roll over.

Malachi:  Na-Ni.

Naomi:

Allie:  Ohmyword.  Naomi, honey, please be still!

Malachi:  Ja-Ja!

Allie:  Ok, buddy, let’s go.

Malachi:  Ja-JAAAA!!!!!

Allie:  Oh wait.  Let me get Na-Ni in her seat.

Malachi:  Na-ni.  Ja-Ja!

Allie:  We’re gonna go outside, I just have to put Na-Ni in her seat so I have a free hand to pick vegetables with.

Malachi:  Na-Ni.  Da-dee.  Mama.  Ja-Ja!

**Five minutes later.**

Allie:  Malachi, it’s really hot.

Malachi:  Hot.

Allie:  Let’s go back inside.

An Ode to the Nasty

Things in my house have been all sparkly* and pleasant** lately.  If you are squeamish look away and don’t come back til the next post.  And I realize that this isn’t technically a mommy blog which means I don’t technically have an excuse to talk about poop, but I make the rules around here.

*sparkly = slimy
**pleasant = gag-inducing

Naomi was sitting up whilst being burped the other day (week? minute? It all runs together) with half her teeny-tiny butt on the boppy pillow and half on my stomach.  While waiting for her to burp, I felt something very, very warm and suspicious seeping through all (ALL) my clothes and onto my skin.  I checked and yes.  Yes it was.  Now what?  I held the boppy in place with one arm, picked Naomi up with another, walked to the changing table and pushed everything out of the way with another and no I don’t know where the third arm came from.  Then I dropped Naomi on the table, walked to the laundry room, unzipped the boppy cover and threw it and the pillow in the washing machine, rolled up my shirt, carefully walked through the house to shut the blinds in the dining room, came back, took off every stitch of clothing, threw them all in the washer, came up for breath….  Then I stripped Naomi, wiped down the changing table, changed her diaper, wiped down the table again, THEN put clothes on me, then her, and while all this was happening she puked all over her face/neck/hair.

Malachi’s iron is low again (joyjoyjoy) and thus he is on iron supplements.  He does the numero dos about 4 times a day, always while Jeremy is at work, and I could draw more comparisons between his diapers and tar than you want to hear so I won’t.

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Yesterday Malachi was walking through the house saying “Uh-oh” with his hand stretched out in front of him and when I went to investigate what minuscule speck of dirt my very-OCD child had on his hand I discovered that lo and behold – it was not dirt that was bothering him but snot, stretched between his two fingers because he had apparently stuck BOTH up his nose.

And today when Naomi puked all over herself 2 minutes after being dressed in the cutest of outfits, I told my Mom not to change her because she looked so cute and she pukes 4 or 5 times a day anyways and it would dry.  I know this because sometimes I re-wear jeans that already have dried spit-up on them because my belly only fits into 2 pairs of jeans at the moment.

So in case you had any doubt at all, yes.  Having a child is wonderful and worth it and blah blah blah and you know this because I am the mushy type but anytime someone picks up my girl and says “I love that new baby smell” I smirk and say “You have NO idea.”

Well, that was embarrassing.

There are some pictures of me three months after Malachi was born, wearing a shirt I specifically bought for the postpartum stage, having no clue that my stomach looked…how shall I put this?…disgusting jiggly poochy flabby nevermind.

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This time around I’m avoiding this by A) dressing a heck of a lot better (and if I actually look ridic and you aren’t telling me to protect the clueless, stop.) and B) exercising for 10 minutes 3 times a week.  Yeah, I know.  10 minutes is hardly something to write home about, but let’s just say today was day 2 and I feel like my stomach is going to rip in half so it’s working I hope.

So anyway, after completing my round of kneeling heel twists, plank walk-ups, forearm plank swipes, wipe-aways, and v-sit pull-backs I thought, “I’ll just throw in 10 sit-ups.  How hard can that be?”

Stop laughing.

Sit-up one: I got about two inches off the ground and lifted my arms straight up and lurched myself forward.  Don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work.

Sit-up two: Determined to keep my hands behind my head, I lurched forward again but somehow my elbows ended up in front of my chest.

Sit-up three: I kept my hands behind my head by bringing my knees towards my face.

Sit-up four: I realized I wasn’t going to make it to ten.

Sit-up five: I determined I could do one just ONE sit up correctly.  I remember racing my sister to see who could do the most in one minute!  This is ridiculous!  So with hands clenched firmly behind head and feet wedged under the couch, I gritted my teeth and made it about 5 inches off the ground.

I’m done.

7 Quick Takes

Linking up with Jen at Conversion Diary for 7 Quick Takes Friday.  Feel free to comment, critique, or snore below.

  1. My husband gets told on a fairly regular basis (that’s an exaggeration) that he reminds people of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory.  I’m not sure if it’s the off-beat t-shirts, fabulous haircut, or overall geekiness but I find it somewhat true and completely hilarious.
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    I’m sure you’re thinking I should have been a graphic artist. Also, Jeremy also owns the shirt Sheldon is wearing.

    Last night Sheldon was bemoaning the cancellation of his favorite Sci-Fi show, Alphas.  This is the conversation that ensued:
    Jeremy:  That’s too bad, I didn’t know alphas was cancelled either.
    Allie:  Are you kidding me?
    Jeremy:  Nope.
    Allie:  I thought they just made up a show.
    Jeremy:  Nope.
    Allie:  That is going on the blog tomorrow.
    Jeremy:  I wonder if that’s true.  I’m gonna google it.
    Allie:  You are such a nerd!
    Jeremy:  Awwww, it is true.

    On second thought, I’m pretty sure it’s the geekiness.

  2. Malachi and Naomi have both done their fair share of crying this week.  Naomi over being tired, being hungry, or being bashed on the head by her brother.  Malachi over a plethora of ridiculousness with a couple stabbed-himself-in-the-mouth-with-his-toothbrush and fell-headfirst-off-the-beds thrown in.  When one of my children is crying (for a legitimate reason) I get really hyper-stressed out, and fast, but they usually don’t see it because I stay calm for their sake.  However, I’ve noticed that when both of my children are crying at the same time I sometimes (not always) respond by… laughing.  I’ll never forget the drive home from the hospital when Naomi was screaming because she was a newborn and hated the carseat and Malachi was crying because Naomi was coming with us (unexpected, apparently) and Jeremy looked slightly crazy-eyed like “uh…what now?” and I just started laughing.  Maybe because there was nothing we could do about it, maybe as a coping mechanism, maybe because two children simultaneously crying was about to sum up the next chapter of our life…probably that one.
  3. Speaking of crying, last night I belched so loud that it scare Naomi awake and she started crying.  I felt both guilty and completely amused at the same time.  I definitely did the same thing to Malachi when he was a baby.  More than once.
  4. Have you seen this video?  If not, you’re welcome.

    I just found out that one of the stars of that fine piece of cinema regularly attends my church.  I think that’s pretty cool.  I’m sure if those guys found out that I blogged about my claim to fame here, they would be equal parts flattered and creeped out.
  5. This has not been a banner week for me in the patience-with-my-son department.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with his new favorite game which I like to call “Take everything out of the toy box/cabinet/pantry/other toy box and put it in a big pile” or his other new favorite game called “jumping on the bed until I kick Naomi in the face” or his other new favorite game called “Say ‘deet’ over and over and get increasingly frustrated that Mom doesn’t know what I’m talking about.”  On the other hand, he’s still pretty adorable.No more toys in here! 
  6. Malachi has been out of my eyesight for approximately 15 minutes.  I hear the pantry door, an occasional “uh-oh,” and some tapping.  I have no clue what he’s doing.  I’m hoping for the best.
  7. Lastly but not leastly, we are headed to two different festivals tomorrow, then home for a nap, then an art show.  I’m super excited to take the kiddos to do something fun.  Have a spectacular weekend!  Update:  Just found out one of the festivals is cancelled and rescheduled to a weekend we already have plans.  Boo!!