Conversations with Malachi

If you’re sniffing a theme, this is a drop in the overflowing bucket (or toilet) of Malachi jokes.

While going potty before bed:
**dramatic sigh**  Mama, is this pee-pee EVER going to come?

Right before the nursery-free Christmas Eve service that Jeremy and I in a fit of over-sugared Christmas spirit genuinely thought our kids could endure peacefully:
Malachi:  **dancing on the chair**  Pee pee pee pee pee pee pee!
Me:  Malachi, no. We don’t do that unless we are at home.  Some people don’t like to hear that, okay?
Malachi:  O-KAY!  Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo!
Me:  Malachi!  No.  I’m serious and you know better.  Stop.
Malachi:  **dramatic pause, followed by a dead-serious stare-down with me, and then broken by  GAS gas gas gas gas gas gas!

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After finishing his bidness, in a super high-pitched voice:
Mama! Wook at those widdle baby poo-poos! Aw, they so cute. I wanna give them hugs.

Passing our neighbors’ lighted Santa sleigh and red-nosed leader:
Wook, Mama!  It’s Santa and Sven!

At a random breakfast:
A-B-C-poop-E-pee-pooooop-H-I-J-poop-L-M-N-O-gaaaaaas!

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Let’s blog now and clean the house later tonight! Best idea ever!

Not really.  But as long as I’m procrastinating let’s at least make it productive procrastination, shall we?  My next post was going to be about something more serious but since I’m sitting here in the worst Mom outfit known to man (baggy sweats, baggy t-shirt, they don’t match, nottomentionnomakeupI’mdone) since my first two outfits of the day were puked on, eating pepperoni and crackers and peanut butter because I forgot about lunch, and waiting for a call from a stranger who is going to come buy some stuff from me (hopefully) and I don’t even give a twit how messy my house and person are….. I’m just not feeling so serious at the moment.

SO! Let’s talk about weird people. That sounds totally ungracious and it probably is, but I think if you are buying a used vacuum off Craig’s list for your son’s dorm room and it’s only 15 dollars, taking the entire thing apart and sniffing the filters qualifies as weird.  And then asking for a discount because it smells like dog.  Whatever, dude, you entertained me enough to earn yourself a five-dollar discount.  I guess.  Or I just hate haggling and want you off my front porch because it is ten zillion degrees and past my son’s nap-time and you’ve been sniffing and inspecting and vacuuming my porch for TEN MINUTES.  Take your pick.

Let’s move on to your FAVORITE subject: bodily fluids!  Naomi has a stomach bug and even though I will probably punch myself later for typing this out loud Malachi has NEVER had one yet so this is new territory for me.  So far we’ve each been through three outfits and the casualties include the couch, the bathroom rug, and my watch.  My poor baby – I hate it for her.  But on the bright side I got two long naps out of her today as a result and aren’t you proud of me for using them so responsibly? (Don’t answer that.)

I’m running out of blogging steam.  That was short-lived.  But can we all just take a moment to reflect on the awesomeness that is three posts in five days?  Because mediocre is my name and above-average is my game!  So there you go.

I hope you have an above-average, mildly productive afternoon.